Sunday, November 24, 2013

This is life now

Wow. Where do I even begin? I've been home for 8 weeks tomorrow. 2 months. Where did the time go? I feel a load of emotions, especially today. A family from Parker, the last area I served in, came by today. It was amazing to see them. It brought back a flood of emotions.

It's really hard to be home. On my mission, I knew who I was, and what I needed to accomplish. When I got home, I lost that identity. With that comes emotions I have never experienced before. Who am I? What is my purpose now? Does anyone care anymore? A woman in my last area who had served a mission told me that the hardest thing for her when she went home was that she wasn't the "main attraction" anymore. She went from being THE candle, to a candle among many other candles. I thought she was ridiculous for saying that. But now, I get it. No one cares about Britny the way they cared for Sister Baker. And, I need to be okay with that.

It's a stupid thought to have, but while serving, I just felt that time stood still at home. But it didn't. Life is changed now. People are changed. Most importantly, I'm changed. It's bittersweet.

Before my mission, I ran wild. People see me as that still. Or do they? Maybe i'm the only one who sees me as that still at times. I'm trying to mix crazy "old Britny" with returned missionary Britny. It's a hard thing to balance.

I think life is beautiful. I've contemplated many times since being home why God allows things to happen, specifically to me. Really, that is the beauty of life. We get to experience things and become something. What a beautiful gift it is.

Overall, although life is hard, I love it. My dad gave me a priesthood blessing tonight and it strengthened me. The church is true. The priesthood is real. My life is good. It is oh so good. I don't need to care what anyone says of me. All I need to do is care what God sees in me, and how I can become that person.