Saturday, July 26, 2014

Why Did It Take So Long?

Sometimes, things finally click in my head. And I'm like, what in the crap, why did it take so long for me to figure that out. I think we all have those moments, but I had one recently that really made me pause and reflect. The reflection actually still hasn't stopped occurring and I still can't get over the fact that it's taken me so long to figure this out. I bet by now you're wondering what I figured out, but hold on, let me fill you in on some previous things before I spill the beans. 

Ya know, this blog isn't for me to complain about my life, my emotions, men, or any of that crap. But for some reason, it still seems to happen, so here we go again. Brace yourself

When I was in high-school, I had fairly high self-esteem. I mean, it wasn't perfect by any means, but  I was comfortable with me and the person I saw not only directly in the mirror, but also who was underneath the image reflecting back at me. I had goals, I loved the gospel, I had a great family, etc. I began to date, get into trouble, and I found myself accepting the lowest forms of love from those I desperately wanted attention from. My self-esteem dropped to an ultimate low point and in a cry for help, I persistently pursued the negative attention I was receiving to, well, have just any form of attention. As a result, I've had self-esteem issues for many years. I think most girls struggle with this (and guys too for that matter, but society doesn't talk of that much). I struggle with it on deep levels. I have triggers. I expect certain responses and gestures from guys as a result of previous experiences. My mission for the LDS church was a great healing time for me. I prayed more than I ever had to see the beauty I posses as an individual. I sought priesthood council and read the words of modern day prophets to boost my self-esteem and heal my wounds. Healing came, but not to full extent. I came home from my mission and began the dating process all over again. I found myself allowing closed wounds to reopen. This time it wasn't any boys fault, it was my own. I was a victim, and acted as such. I still have scars, yes. But I don't need to re-open the wound by telling myself that I'm not worth anything. I found myself chasing guys and thinking "do they like me? do they want me? am I good enough?" Instead of "do I like them? do I want them? are they good enough?" I think sometimes, we as human beings with an innate desire to feel secure with another person, forget to see what's really good for ourselves. I know I've personally done that, and it's done nothing but tear me further down. So what I've realized, FINALLY, is that I am beautiful and worthwhile. I deserve to have everything I desire and it's about what I want! This is my eternal well-being at stake and you better believe I get a good say in whether or not I like him. I know I know. It's silly of me to finally say that all. But it finally clicked. I am worth something. So are you. So is your bestfriend. So is your mom, your dad, your cousin, and that random person you don't like to see on campus because they dress funny and pick their nose. We all have value and seeing that opens up millions of doors. 

So recognize your beauty. Recognize it's not about whether or not someone likes you, but whether or not you like them. What is best for you? Go find it. Today. And make it worth while. 

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

When it rains, it pours

But does that always have to be a bad thing? No it doesn't. Let me just relate a few of my thoughts to you today.

A little over 9 months ago I returned from serving a mission for the LDS church. It was the best experience of my life. Before serving my mission, I was involved in some pretty terrible things, but I, through the Lord's help and guidance, was able to turn my life around. I thought that life before my mission was hard.. I had it all wrong. Life is hard now. Harder than it ever has been. I have way less friends than I used to. I'm older than the average person at BYU-I. Some men think it's a turn off that I served a mission. I'm also kind of picky in many areas of my life in what  I want and feel I deserve. I've never been tempted harder with depression, anxiety, and lack of self-love than now. I feel that at times, my life is falling apart. This past week I had many eye opening experiences.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been really struggling. I don't like talking about the fact that I struggle with depression, but I do. I'm a perfectionist and I can't handle it when I make a mistake. I'm slowly beginning to realize that this attribute is terrible, and it causes me to forget the power of my Savior's death for me. Because of Him, I don't need to be perfect now, I just need to try my best. I tend to see life with the glass half empty. Some would say I'm a pessimist; I would say i'm a realist. Take it for what you want. Regardless of however you want to label me, I feel a sense of self-defeat when i'm less than perfect. As I've been severely struggling the last couple of weeks, I felt I should receive counsel from the Lord through a priesthood blessing. The church I belong to believes that we hold the priesthood, otherwise known as the power given to man to act in the name of God. I resisted and resisted the prompting I had to have a worthy male place his hands upon my head. One day, i had enough, and I knew I needed to receive the blessing. I called my co-worker up and asked if her husband would pronounce a blessing of comfort upon me. I won't go into detail of the words spoken in my blessing, but I will tell you that it admonished me to reflect upon my life and where it is going.

Last week, a friend that is dear to my heart came home from serving a mission for the LDS church as well. As we've hung out, I've noticed that I place expectations upon certain things in my life, and when they don't go as planned, I don't know how to handle it. This is my perfectionist side kicking in. I forget that the Lord has a far greater, eternal plan, that I can't always see. I forget to trust in him and him timing. Not only has my vision been completely wrong, my car broke down twice, I had to get it towed both times, and had to drop a thousand dollars on it to fix it that I DON'T have. My brother and his wife are also moving which has been hard on my family. A bunch of other little things have been going wrong everyday as well, and it got to the point where I thought I was going to burst. Why am I telling you all of this? I guess because I need to remind myself of something too. When life is pouring negativity on me in every direction, I don't need to let it bog me down. I need to enjoy the blessings in the trials.

So maybe things don't work out how I want to with every guy. Maybe I don't get married for a long time. Maybe I have no idea where my life is going.. but can't that be a blessing? Can't weeding out all the dumb guys be bringing me one step closer to my eternal companion? Why do I forget to see things in this light at times? So maybe I'm out a thousand dollars now, but maybe if I would have had my car working, I would have been in an accident or wouldn't have been able to spend as much time as I was able to with my family this weekend. Maybe the mechanic really needed the money. Or what about all the positive that is going on around me? How about the fact that someone sent me the longest email explaining to me that I, through my example since I've been home from the mission, have influenced him to attend church again. How about the fact that my family is healthy and I'm happy. How about the fact that not everything in life needs to be about me, but about how I can give of what I've been blessed with. I'm so blessed and I need to remember that more often. I need to forget myself. Forget the fact that I feel ugly at times. Forget that fact that I want to be perfect. Forget that fact that life isn't always filled with butterflies. I need to just say, I'm alive, i'm happy, and the Lord loves me. And because of that, tomorrow is brighter than today, and I can make it through.