Tuesday, November 4, 2014


I've had a lot on my mind the past couple of days. I guess you could say I've been suppressing my inner feelings on the latest events in my life. 

Prevent the development, action, or expression of (a feeling, impulse, idea, etc.)

The opposite would be to stimulate, encourage, incite. 

Suppression isn't very healthy in my eyes. I'm living unhealthy right now. My body isn't functioning normally. I'm tired. I'm eating bad food. I'm moody. I'm irritable. I'm indecisive. I'm worried. I'm sad. But I'm not facing it. 

The reason being?

I guess the reason being is I don't want to face the fact that my grandpa is really dead. He's gone. And normally, death wouldn't be very hard on me, because I have a testimony that there is a far greater plan than I can even comprehend. A plan that allows families to be together forever in the presence of God. I believe this plan unfolds for the righteous. My grandpa was and is one of the best humans I have ever met. But he knew so much about the gospel and never accepted it. I believe there is hope on the other side; I believe it with all my heart. But I also believe that we must do our part here on earth to gain the help necessary on the other side. I want to believe that my grandpa will have another chance. And I believe he can. But did he know too much? Did my family not push him enough to find faith? Now my faith is being tried. And it's one of the hardest things I've dealt with. I don't want to deal with his death because I don't want to face reality. But I need to. I need to trust that Heavenly Father has a plan. I need to remember the things I've learned all my life, and the things I taught others on my mission. I need to recognize that Heavenly Father's plan is a perfect plan, full of mercy and grace to those who have lived righteous lives. Easier said then done.

Let me tell you about my grandpa. He was sarcastic 98 percent of the time. He didn't like being told what to do. He always wanted to sleep in. He loved fox news. He always kindly offered me a beer even though he knew I wouldn't accept. He supported my family even though he is my step grandpa. He never let me forget how much he loved me. He never stopped giving. He never stopped loving. He never stopped acting as Christ would. And for that reason, I know he will be okay. I know I'll see him in full glory again one day, because it would only make sense that someone as wonderful as him would make it to live with God again.

During church on Sunday, I bore my testimony. I talked of my grandpa, and my faith in the plan of salvation. I sat down, and felt so touched that my grandpa was in the room with me. I could feel his love, as if he were right next to me, cracking a joke and teasing me to let me know he loves me. Emotional? Yes. The comfort I needed from Heavenly Father? Precisely. 

Today I went to the temple for the first time in a few months. It was beautiful. And once again I was brought to tears knowing that my prayers are heard, and all is well in the hands of God. 

I guess I just never thought I'd be old enough to see life change so much. I'm 24. Not married. Not graduated. Seeing my grandparents pass away. Friends pass away. Friends get married and have children. People moving on. ETC ETC ETC. The list could go on for days.

That being said. I am happy. I have a great life. Great family. Great boyfriend. Great friends. And all is well. Sometimes you have to take a step back, and recognize what is really important. 

I hit my car the other day. Normally it'd really bother me. But considering the fact that my car is a temporal item and I just lost a loved one, my car means nothing. What matters is how I treat the things that will last till the eternities, and that includes myself. 

It's all about perspective. 

Life is good. It is oh so good. Enjoying the journey is a must. I can either be mad that roses have thorn bushes or be happy that thorns have roses.


Ash. said...
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Anonymous said...

Glad I found your blog. Very interesting perspective from a great hard working missionary that served in my ward. Keep your chin up. Things always work out for the better!