Why Did It Take So Long?

Sometimes, things finally click in my head. And I'm like, what in the crap, why did it take so long for me to figure that out. I think we all have those moments, but I had one recently that really made me pause and reflect. The reflection actually still hasn't stopped occurring and I still can't get over the fact that it's taken me so long to figure this out. I bet by now you're wondering what I figured out, but hold on, let me fill you in on some previous things before I spill the beans. 

Ya know, this blog isn't for me to complain about my life, my emotions, men, or any of that crap. But for some reason, it still seems to happen, so here we go again. Brace yourself. 

When I was in high-school, I had fairly high self-esteem. I mean, it wasn't perfect by any means, but  I was comfortable with me and the person I saw not only directly in the mirror, but also who was underneath the image reflecting back at me. I had goals, I loved the gospel, I had a great family, etc. I began to date, get into trouble, and I found myself accepting the lowest forms of love from those I desperately wanted attention from. My self-esteem dropped to an ultimate low point and in a cry for help, I persistently pursued the negative attention I was receiving to, well, have just any form of attention. As a result, I've had self-esteem issues for many years. I think most girls struggle with this (and guys too for that matter, but society doesn't talk of that much). I struggle with it on deep levels. I have triggers. I expect certain responses and gestures from guys as a result of previous experiences. My mission for the LDS church was a great healing time for me. I prayed more than I ever had to see the beauty I posses as an individual. I sought priesthood council and read the words of modern day prophets to boost my self-esteem and heal my wounds. Healing came, but not to full extent. I came home from my mission and began the dating process all over again. I found myself allowing closed wounds to reopen. This time it wasn't any boys fault, it was my own. I was a victim, and acted as such. I still have scars, yes. But I don't need to re-open the wound by telling myself that I'm not worth anything. I found myself chasing guys and thinking "do they like me? do they want me? am I good enough?" Instead of "do I like them? do I want them? are they good enough?" I think sometimes, we as human beings with an innate desire to feel secure with another person, forget to see what's really good for ourselves. I know I've personally done that, and it's done nothing but tear me further down. So what I've realized, FINALLY, is that I am beautiful and worthwhile. I deserve to have everything I desire and it's about what I want! This is my eternal well-being at stake and you better believe I get a good say in whether or not I like him. I know I know. It's silly of me to finally say that all. But it finally clicked. I am worth something. So are you. So is your bestfriend. So is your mom, your dad, your cousin, and that random person you don't like to see on campus because they dress funny and pick their nose. We all have value and seeing that opens up millions of doors. 

So recognize your beauty. Recognize it's not about whether or not someone likes you, but whether or not you like them. What is best for you? Go find it. Today. And make it worth while. 

When it rains, it pours

But does that always have to be a bad thing? No it doesn't. Let me just relate a few of my thoughts to you today.

A little over 9 months ago I returned from serving a mission for the LDS church. It was the best experience of my life. Before serving my mission, I was involved in some pretty terrible things, but I, through the Lord's help and guidance, was able to turn my life around. I thought that life before my mission was hard.. I had it all wrong. Life is hard now. Harder than it ever has been. I have way less friends than I used to. I'm older than the average person at BYU-I. Some men think it's a turn off that I served a mission. I'm also kind of picky in many areas of my life in what  I want and feel I deserve. I've never been tempted harder with depression, anxiety, and lack of self-love than now. I feel that at times, my life is falling apart. This past week I had many eye opening experiences.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been really struggling. I don't like talking about the fact that I struggle with depression, but I do. I'm a perfectionist and I can't handle it when I make a mistake. I'm slowly beginning to realize that this attribute is terrible, and it causes me to forget the power of my Savior's death for me. Because of Him, I don't need to be perfect now, I just need to try my best. I tend to see life with the glass half empty. Some would say I'm a pessimist; I would say i'm a realist. Take it for what you want. Regardless of however you want to label me, I feel a sense of self-defeat when i'm less than perfect. As I've been severely struggling the last couple of weeks, I felt I should receive counsel from the Lord through a priesthood blessing. The church I belong to believes that we hold the priesthood, otherwise known as the power given to man to act in the name of God. I resisted and resisted the prompting I had to have a worthy male place his hands upon my head. One day, i had enough, and I knew I needed to receive the blessing. I called my co-worker up and asked if her husband would pronounce a blessing of comfort upon me. I won't go into detail of the words spoken in my blessing, but I will tell you that it admonished me to reflect upon my life and where it is going.

Last week, a friend that is dear to my heart came home from serving a mission for the LDS church as well. As we've hung out, I've noticed that I place expectations upon certain things in my life, and when they don't go as planned, I don't know how to handle it. This is my perfectionist side kicking in. I forget that the Lord has a far greater, eternal plan, that I can't always see. I forget to trust in him and him timing. Not only has my vision been completely wrong, my car broke down twice, I had to get it towed both times, and had to drop a thousand dollars on it to fix it that I DON'T have. My brother and his wife are also moving which has been hard on my family. A bunch of other little things have been going wrong everyday as well, and it got to the point where I thought I was going to burst. Why am I telling you all of this? I guess because I need to remind myself of something too. When life is pouring negativity on me in every direction, I don't need to let it bog me down. I need to enjoy the blessings in the trials.

So maybe things don't work out how I want to with every guy. Maybe I don't get married for a long time. Maybe I have no idea where my life is going.. but can't that be a blessing? Can't weeding out all the dumb guys be bringing me one step closer to my eternal companion? Why do I forget to see things in this light at times? So maybe I'm out a thousand dollars now, but maybe if I would have had my car working, I would have been in an accident or wouldn't have been able to spend as much time as I was able to with my family this weekend. Maybe the mechanic really needed the money. Or what about all the positive that is going on around me? How about the fact that someone sent me the longest email explaining to me that I, through my example since I've been home from the mission, have influenced him to attend church again. How about the fact that my family is healthy and I'm happy. How about the fact that not everything in life needs to be about me, but about how I can give of what I've been blessed with. I'm so blessed and I need to remember that more often. I need to forget myself. Forget the fact that I feel ugly at times. Forget that fact that I want to be perfect. Forget that fact that life isn't always filled with butterflies. I need to just say, I'm alive, i'm happy, and the Lord loves me. And because of that, tomorrow is brighter than today, and I can make it through.

And then it happens

Over the past few years, I've spent my life with walls up. Here. There. Sideways. You get the gist. Walls up like nobodies business. It's not a good way to live. But I've gotten by.

One of the worst feelings ever to me is 

V U L N E R A B I L I T Y 

vul·ner·a·ble 

adj.

   1.
            a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury
            b. Susceptible to attack
             

Okay, no one can tell me that those two things sound nice. Because they don't. But life isn't always nice. And life isn't fair. And sometimes, just sometimes, you've got to take a risk. Take the walls down. Let people in. Open up. Smile for once. A real smile. Let yourself be free. Because truly, letting walls down is freeing. And since being home, I've tried to free myself. I've tried to push old drama behind me. I've tried to not create new drama. I've tried to let go. In return, I feel vulnerable. But. I have to realize that this can be a beautiful emotion. One that shows that innocence can still live within me. One that shows that love can be real. One that shows that I can be me. One that shows that life is full of surprises and every day presents me with an opportunity to learn something new.

I don't need to be so hard. I don't need to be so sassy. I just need to be happy, and love.

What i'm trying to get at here, is, I need to be okay with putting everything on the line. I need to be okay with possibly getting hurt. Because it happens. I used to think it was better to not love again, than to get hurt again. But i'm changing my mind. I'm starting a new chapter. And i'm letting go. Join me. It might be fun. <3

This is life now

Wow. Where do I even begin? I've been home for 8 weeks tomorrow. 2 months. Where did the time go? I feel a load of emotions, especially today. A family from Parker, the last area I served in, came by today. It was amazing to see them. It brought back a flood of emotions.

It's really hard to be home. On my mission, I knew who I was, and what I needed to accomplish. When I got home, I lost that identity. With that comes emotions I have never experienced before. Who am I? What is my purpose now? Does anyone care anymore? A woman in my last area who had served a mission told me that the hardest thing for her when she went home was that she wasn't the "main attraction" anymore. She went from being THE candle, to a candle among many other candles. I thought she was ridiculous for saying that. But now, I get it. No one cares about Britny the way they cared for Sister Baker. And, I need to be okay with that.

It's a stupid thought to have, but while serving, I just felt that time stood still at home. But it didn't. Life is changed now. People are changed. Most importantly, I'm changed. It's bittersweet.

Before my mission, I ran wild. People see me as that still. Or do they? Maybe i'm the only one who sees me as that still at times. I'm trying to mix crazy "old Britny" with returned missionary Britny. It's a hard thing to balance.

I think life is beautiful. I've contemplated many times since being home why God allows things to happen, specifically to me. Really, that is the beauty of life. We get to experience things and become something. What a beautiful gift it is.

Overall, although life is hard, I love it. My dad gave me a priesthood blessing tonight and it strengthened me. The church is true. The priesthood is real. My life is good. It is oh so good. I don't need to care what anyone says of me. All I need to do is care what God sees in me, and how I can become that person.

August 26, 2013

Hey everyone :)

So, lets just start out with a quote by Neil L Anderson from his talk, Trial of your faith.

"With faith comes trials of faith bringing increased faith."

One of my favorite quotes ever and I feel like that describes Parker. THIS WEEK WAS AMAZING.

So as we all know, Parker has been rough. I mean even member after member will come up to us and say, "how are you doing? This area is so hard, are you discouraged?" Of course we are discouraged, but we try not to dwell on it. I have been praying so hard for focus, success, love, and the work to go forward here. I put my faith in the Lord when I got here and it's just been trial after trial! Well, this week my faith was finally strengthened from my trials.

So we have been really pushing member missionary work, and it's been kind of rough. Everyone has had to change their way of thinking because not a lot of members do missionary work here. So we were eating dinner at the Elders Quorum house and we asked them for referrals. They said that their neighbor across the street needed some love. So in our mission we have stopped the "tracting" approach and do "prayer" approach. We knock doors and offer blessings on homes as representative of Jesus Christ. We say it takes 5 minutes of their time and we won't stay any longer. Who doesn't have 5 minutes? EVERYONE does. So it's pretty effective. We then ask what they want blessed and if they know anyone who needs a blessing. Then we kneel together. After the prayer which we offer as Sisters by virtue of our calling, we ask how they feel. If they feel the spirit, they are open and we invite them to learn more. If they don't feel anything, we know it's not their time. So anyways, we knocked their door the next day and she answered. We offered a blessing on her home and she said she would love it but she would love for her husband to be there. She said to come back the next day. When we went back, her husband was running late from work and wasn't home. She invited us in and cried to us about how she wants to change. We testified to her and asked if we could come back the next day. So Saturday night we went back and her husband was there :) He was SO nice and invited us in. We had an AMAZING discussion with them and taught a first lesson. The spirit was so strong. We invited them to baptism and they said they wanted to pray about it. They are so excited to read the Book of Mormon and pray to know if it's true. They have an amazing desire to grow. It was so amazing!!!! I haven't had a lesson like that in so long. I left their house full of gratitude. But before we left we gave a blessing on the home. We asked what blessings they needed and I offered up the prayer. I felt the spirit so strong. I blessed that Trina would know who she was, a daughter of God, with divinity in her. I blessed that Michael would turn to the Lord in all things and as he did so, he would be able to help his wife. I was crying at the end of the prayer. As I opened my eyes, Michael was glowing. His countenance has changed. We have an appt with them tomorrow and I can't wait. :)

So that is 2 new investigators.

Then last night we went to see ------- I have talked about her a lot before. She is not a member, but all her family is(kids, husband). She comes weekly and even went to girls camp. She is so scared to take the lessons because she doesn't want to take them and feel it isn't true and disappoint everyone. Well a couple weeks ago I left her an invitation to prayerfully seek out taking the lessons(she has been asked my many missionaries and has yet to really take them as far as I know). Last night we had an appt. with her. We really studied hard before going over on how we could help her say yes. We got to her house and I said we were there to follow up on her prayer. She laughed and said she loved how honest I was...she paused and said, "I'll take them." Oh my GOSH! I about died. I didn't even have to try to convince her. Her husbands mouth dropped because she hadn't told him. Oh my gosh. It was amazing. We talked then about her fears, how she could really know it's true and just it was amazing. She was crying and I just know she will be baptized SOON. :) She is ready. What a miracle. We told some of the ward council and everyone is SO excited. This has been a long time coming. So excited I get to teach her. 

Another investigator. Three total this week!!! :) YAY! The Lord has truly blessed us for trying so hard to do all we can. It's amazing. I feel so blessed. I'm so excited I get to finish my mission this way.

WHat else this week? We had a relief society activity and ------- came :) She met some women in the ward which was great. Our relief society president is really reaching out to her. I also went to the Temple this week :) The new video is amazing and I loved it. It made me think a lot more and understand things more fully.

Also, one more cool story. It was pouring rain and a huge storm. We had 15 minutes in between appointments and I didn't want to waste the time. We prayed how we could fill our time. Sister Hauet said we should visit some less actives. I felt we should go see -------. We showed up and she let us in because it was pouring rain. We got to talk to her and her fiance and they are letting us come back :) She was so willing to have us back in her home. Hopefully we get to teach them, too.

So, that was my week. I feel just on top of the world right now. I'm so happy that success is finally coming. I'm finding a true love for so many people here in Parker.

I'm grateful for the church. I know I needed to come on a mission to overcome so much of my past and develop into who the Lord wants me to be. I'm grateful I'm changed. LOVE YOU ALL :)

-Sister Baker

July 29, 2013

Hi everyone :)

How are you all? I hope oh so good :)

I'm doing so good right now! :) Life is good. Missionary work is great. 

So guess what happened this week.... I got my "death letter." This letter is the letter that says when I'm going home, what will happen the few days before I go home, how to make goals for life after the mission and so on. OH MY GOSH IT WAS SO WEIRD. I was like freaking out haha. I had gotten a call on Tuesday? And the mission office asked if I wanted to go home September 30th or November 11th. I feel like I'm supposed to go home in September so I told them that is when I wanted to go and she talked to me about scheduling my flight and what airport I wanted to fly in to. It was funny because Monday night I was telling Sister Jones I should be getting a death letter soon and then Tuesday I got that call. Then Wednesday I got the letter. I felt like in a daze when I read it. All of a sudden going home became real. It was weird. As I read over the letter it lead me to reflect on my mission and how far I have come and how fast the next 2 months will go. I can't believe that I'm actually a missionary still and that it's almost over. I'm such a different person now. I am so grateful I have this chance to serve. Best thing I have ever done. I'm glad the Lord continued to prompt me to come after I tried to fight the promptings so many times.

Yesterday, there was a new member fireside and I was talking to Brother Pulsifer (the High Councilor for missionary work whom I just love because he reminds me of you dad) and we were talking about me going home. He has a daughter serving right now, too, and we were talking about how the mission changes the missionary more than anything. I talked to him about how I was inactive before I came out and I felt like an idiot in the MTC because I didn't know what anyone was talking about. I then bore my testimony to him about how I finally have a testimony and about how the atonement is real. He then said, "Sister Baker, the first couple weeks of your mission, you needed your mission. After that, the mission needed you. GO YOU. You are a strong woman. Parker needs you, and so do the other Sisters here." It was like the nicest thing ever to hear someone say that.  After talking to him and going home, I was writing in my journal and I had such an OVERWHELMING feeling of peace. People keep asking me if I feel stressed and keep wondering if "I've done enough as a missionary" and last night I felt peace that I have. I have of course made mistakes along the way of being a missionary, but I feel that I have become who Christ intended me to become out here. It's great to look back and feel accomplished. I'm so grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost that gives us that comfort to allow us to know we are doing enough. 

We did some more service this week at both the farms and it was awesome :) I love being on the farm. Okay.. so I would never want to actually live on a farm.. but it's fun for like 5 hours a week. I shoveled up poop this week and everyone there says I'm an expert lama herder because I always catch them when we have to take them out hahahhaah. Ya... I'm a pro farm girl.. what can I say ;)

We had a lesson with the -------family this week. We taught the girl who just got baptized.. and HER DAD SAT IN :) It was so great. He totally was listening to everything, too. We made a point to talk a LOT about families being together forever because we were teaching the plan of salvation. It went so well. SIster------- text us afterwards and said he loved us :) Making progress!!!! YAY!!

We saw Moises this week, too. He is doing so great. He is like the most prepared person ever. He moves Saturday, but I will still be keeping in touch with him. So grateful I got to teach him.

 RIght now we are on the search for more people to teach. It's a rough area to find.

Oh, also, this week we had interviews. I LOVE my new mission President. He is amazing and so in tune with the spirit. It was funny, we started the interview and he goes, "Sister, I hate to say this, but you're going home soon!" So we talked about staying focused on my mission but also having goals for back home. HE let me get online and look up my schooling just to see where I am at. It was cool to get on and see what classes I had taken and stuff because I couldn't remember anything because well I haven't thought about it for 16 months haha. So he is being so cool and I just love him.

Well, that was my week. The church is true :)

LOVE YOU ALL

-Sister Baker

July 15, 2013

This week has been pretty dang good.

 

So most of you know, but I am training, and it's going pretty good. Her name is Sister Jones. She is waiting for her visa to Brazil and we are starting to become friends. I told her of my struggles when I first got out and how the Lord helps us grow in ways that we could of never imagined!! It's so true though. I have had so much growth since I have been on my mission.

 

So Parker stake is AMAZING. Saturday morning we had breakfast at one of the members of the Stake Presidency's homes. The whole zone came and we all got to know each other. Some wards in this mission have 4 SETS of missionaries in their wards. Right now in Parker, a lot of wards have 2 sets. There are 12 SETS of missionaries in this stake. It's amazing. Then on Sunday, we had a big meeting with all the missionaries, the stake presidency, the bishops, and all the ward mission leaders. We talked about allowing the work to move forward here and how we will utilize the members to do that. The meeting was at 6.. yesterday I was in meetings from about 6AM to 6PM.. It was insane. But so beneficial. The work is moving forward here. We had that meeting in the morning, then we met with the ward council, then we met with the ward missionaries, and then we had a meeting with our Bishop. SO GREAT. Our Stake Presidency is making it so that our ward mission leaders are basically making our schedules. The ward mission leaders are supposed to fill any gap we have in the day with meaningful appointments. This will allow us to have at least 20 lessons a week and constantly be busy. It's so cool. I've NEVER been in a ward or stake sooooooo on top of things. I feel so blessed right now.

 

Sister Jones and I have been busy EVERY day this week ALL day. It's been such a blessing. We have had appointments and meetings and just lots of things to do. We are starting to implement a family mission plan here so we are meeting with all the members of the ward. The stake also provided every companionship with a thumb drive that has 4 presentations on it. The presentations are for JustServe.org, mormon.org, family tree, and pathways program. So we can start showing these to members as well to help them do missionary work. We have so many "tools" to use and now we get to see the miracles start coming by implementing them.

 

So at the front of our planners there are all these finding ideas. Our mission president committed us all to using all the finding ideas. So Sister Jones and I have been doing that. One of them says to go to funeral homes and get our names on the clergy list. We found a funeral home in our area and were super skeptical to go in. But we felt we should. So when we went in, we were so welcomed. Turns out the owner, who greeted us, is a less active member. She was so excited we dropped in. She said other churches have tried to put things in the funeral home but that she didn't accept. But she gladly accepted our help and told us we could put cards in there for people to call us if they needed help. It was truly a miracle. :)

 

Also, this week I have had such a renewed desire to work hard and be obedient. Sister Jones and I have been getting up and just trying to make sure we do everything right. I see the Lord blessing us for doing so.

 

Yesterday we had an amazing lesson with ------. We taught it with the Elders because technically he is supposed to be in the ward they are in. Anyways, he hasn't been coming to church a ton, so we taught it on obedience and the Sabbath day. we were all nervous because we didn't have much time to coordinate our lesson plans together. But the Spirit just took over. I felt the spirit so strong in the lesson, stronger than I have in awhile. I'm not sure what is going on in his life, but I was able to promise him that if he will go to church every week that all the things that are going on in his life will be sorted out. The spirit was SO strong. It was so powerful. The other 3 missionaries there then testified of my promise made and it was so amazing to have all of us testify to him. He committed to coming to church and he is getting baptized in Peru on the 4th of August :) :) I'm so excited and happy for him. It's a miracle. He is so ready. We are getting all the details sorted out with the mission president in Peru.

 

This week I have just felt so good about life. I feel like these next few weeks I have are going to fly by and that I'm going to enjoy my last bit here if I work hard. I feel at peace, and I just have been able to look back on the growth I have made. I'm so blessed to be here. I'm so blessed to have a testimony. There is no greater gift at this time than to know what I know.

 

I LOVE YOU ALL :)

 

-SIster Baker