Perspective

I've had a lot on my mind the past couple of days. I guess you could say I've been suppressing my inner feelings on the latest events in my life. 

Supress: 
Prevent the development, action, or expression of (a feeling, impulse, idea, etc.)

The opposite would be to stimulate, encourage, incite. 

Suppression isn't very healthy in my eyes. I'm living unhealthy right now. My body isn't functioning normally. I'm tired. I'm eating bad food. I'm moody. I'm irritable. I'm indecisive. I'm worried. I'm sad. But I'm not facing it. 

The reason being?

I guess the reason being is I don't want to face the fact that my grandpa is really dead. He's gone. And normally, death wouldn't be very hard on me, because I have a testimony that there is a far greater plan than I can even comprehend. A plan that allows families to be together forever in the presence of God. I believe this plan unfolds for the righteous. My grandpa was and is one of the best humans I have ever met. But he knew so much about the gospel and never accepted it. I believe there is hope on the other side; I believe it with all my heart. But I also believe that we must do our part here on earth to gain the help necessary on the other side. I want to believe that my grandpa will have another chance. And I believe he can. But did he know too much? Did my family not push him enough to find faith? Now my faith is being tried. And it's one of the hardest things I've dealt with. I don't want to deal with his death because I don't want to face reality. But I need to. I need to trust that Heavenly Father has a plan. I need to remember the things I've learned all my life, and the things I taught others on my mission. I need to recognize that Heavenly Father's plan is a perfect plan, full of mercy and grace to those who have lived righteous lives. Easier said then done.

Let me tell you about my grandpa. He was sarcastic 98 percent of the time. He didn't like being told what to do. He always wanted to sleep in. He loved fox news. He always kindly offered me a beer even though he knew I wouldn't accept. He supported my family even though he is my step grandpa. He never let me forget how much he loved me. He never stopped giving. He never stopped loving. He never stopped acting as Christ would. And for that reason, I know he will be okay. I know I'll see him in full glory again one day, because it would only make sense that someone as wonderful as him would make it to live with God again.

During church on Sunday, I bore my testimony. I talked of my grandpa, and my faith in the plan of salvation. I sat down, and felt so touched that my grandpa was in the room with me. I could feel his love, as if he were right next to me, cracking a joke and teasing me to let me know he loves me. Emotional? Yes. The comfort I needed from Heavenly Father? Precisely. 

Today I went to the temple for the first time in a few months. It was beautiful. And once again I was brought to tears knowing that my prayers are heard, and all is well in the hands of God. 

I guess I just never thought I'd be old enough to see life change so much. I'm 24. Not married. Not graduated. Seeing my grandparents pass away. Friends pass away. Friends get married and have children. People moving on. ETC ETC ETC. The list could go on for days.

That being said. I am happy. I have a great life. Great family. Great boyfriend. Great friends. And all is well. Sometimes you have to take a step back, and recognize what is really important. 

I hit my car the other day. Normally it'd really bother me. But considering the fact that my car is a temporal item and I just lost a loved one, my car means nothing. What matters is how I treat the things that will last till the eternities, and that includes myself. 

It's all about perspective. 

Life is good. It is oh so good. Enjoying the journey is a must. I can either be mad that roses have thorn bushes or be happy that thorns have roses.

Women

Today in church we had a wonderful lesson. I was privileged to be able to feel the sweet spirit testify to me of a few things that I think are important for all women to know, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or not. I hope that others who read this post may be touched and feel the same sweet feelings I felt by the spirit during the lesson today.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the church I attend I want to take a moment to explain. Church, which takes place every Sunday, consists of three meetings. The meetings for those who are graduated and older are Sacrament, Sunday school, and then either Relief Society or Priesthood. Relief Society is for the women to attend and Priesthood is where all of the men attend. We believe as members of this church, that we have the Priesthood authority restored to our church and that men, during that meeting, better understand their Priesthood responsibilities and build brotherhood. The women learn of their sacred calling as women, and how to provide "relief" to our sisters in need. I also spoke of something called "the spirit" in the above paragraph. We believe in the godhead, The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost. We believe they are separate beings and that the Spirit has the ability to touch our hearts with warm, good feelings such as joy, peace, love, meekness, etc.

Okay now that you understand a little about our church, let me explain to you why I titled this women and what the lesson was all about.

The lesson took place in Relief Society and was based on a talk that was given in a General Conference. The talk was on women and their divine nature. For sometime in my life, I have struggled with self-esteem. I think most women have/currently do. I've been through things that no one should ever go through. I've had certain individuals tear me down to the point that I felt completely worthless. I want no one to feel that way, ever. God did not intend for us to feel that way, or for us to tear others down to feel that way. I served a mission for my church and about half way through my mission, I was struggling really badly with my self-esteem. I'm not quite sure what happened to bring up past hurt that I had experienced, but I felt my worth and love for myself, once again, begin to decrease. As I was kneeling in earnest prayer to my Heavenly Father, I had a wonderful epiphany. I AM A DAUGHTER OF GOD. I had heard that all my life. But at that moment, it clicked. I knew that God, my Heavenly Father, had created me. And when I put myself down, I was putting my maker down. I had never before thought of it in such a way. I was created by an all powerful, loving Father. He made me, how I am, because HE LOVES ME. He made you how you are, because He loves YOU. Isn't that wonderful, and beautiful? You are actual offspring of someone who created you to be beautiful and eventually perfect. During the lesson today, the spirit once again testified to me of this sweet truth. I need not put myself down. That only draws me away from the greatest person I have in my life, my Heavenly Father. And it diminishes everything he has given me. (Men this is true for you too, but I sometimes I get really passionate about speaking to my Sisters :))

Another thing we discussed during the lesson was why we are sometimes, for lack of a better word, introverted while making friends with our fellow sisters. It got brought up that we as women tend to compare ourselves to others. Again, I had a sweet experience with the spirit. I thought about sisterhood, and what that really means. Think about it. What does it mean to you? Safety, unity, security, one to rely on, etc. The world is so, well, worldy. Everything is about how we look, designer clothes, getting fulfillment in any way possible and, sadly, often it's all about forgetting our values. I attend BYU-Idaho, and at times I can be surfaced and shallow. But let me tell you what I felt today and what I know to be true. Satan uses worldy, shallow tactics to remove any close relationships we can have with our sisters. As sisters, we can unite to overcome so much and be a powerful force in society. We have the ability as nurtures to do much good. As I've tried to reach out to those who don't dress like me, look like me, or seem like I would get along with, I've gained spiritual bonds, and strength that are worth much more than anyone's opinion of me. Don't you see? Satan doesn't want us strong. He wants us to tear ourselves down. He wants us to think we can't be as powerful or beautiful as the women next to us. But let me tell you something. You are worth so much more than you will ever know. As you step outside of yourself, turn to God, and befriend those around you, I promise you can find fulfillment in your life and strength to be better. Even if it's with someone you NEVER imagined you would associate yourself with.

I just wanted to write this post to let everyone know that they mean something. That they were created by a God, even their God. And to let you know that I know it to be true. I'm no feminist by any means, but I do believe in strength from sisterhood. We need each other in this ever frightening world.

Why Did It Take So Long?

Sometimes, things finally click in my head. And I'm like, what in the crap, why did it take so long for me to figure that out. I think we all have those moments, but I had one recently that really made me pause and reflect. The reflection actually still hasn't stopped occurring and I still can't get over the fact that it's taken me so long to figure this out. I bet by now you're wondering what I figured out, but hold on, let me fill you in on some previous things before I spill the beans. 

Ya know, this blog isn't for me to complain about my life, my emotions, men, or any of that crap. But for some reason, it still seems to happen, so here we go again. Brace yourself. 

When I was in high-school, I had fairly high self-esteem. I mean, it wasn't perfect by any means, but  I was comfortable with me and the person I saw not only directly in the mirror, but also who was underneath the image reflecting back at me. I had goals, I loved the gospel, I had a great family, etc. I began to date, get into trouble, and I found myself accepting the lowest forms of love from those I desperately wanted attention from. My self-esteem dropped to an ultimate low point and in a cry for help, I persistently pursued the negative attention I was receiving to, well, have just any form of attention. As a result, I've had self-esteem issues for many years. I think most girls struggle with this (and guys too for that matter, but society doesn't talk of that much). I struggle with it on deep levels. I have triggers. I expect certain responses and gestures from guys as a result of previous experiences. My mission for the LDS church was a great healing time for me. I prayed more than I ever had to see the beauty I posses as an individual. I sought priesthood council and read the words of modern day prophets to boost my self-esteem and heal my wounds. Healing came, but not to full extent. I came home from my mission and began the dating process all over again. I found myself allowing closed wounds to reopen. This time it wasn't any boys fault, it was my own. I was a victim, and acted as such. I still have scars, yes. But I don't need to re-open the wound by telling myself that I'm not worth anything. I found myself chasing guys and thinking "do they like me? do they want me? am I good enough?" Instead of "do I like them? do I want them? are they good enough?" I think sometimes, we as human beings with an innate desire to feel secure with another person, forget to see what's really good for ourselves. I know I've personally done that, and it's done nothing but tear me further down. So what I've realized, FINALLY, is that I am beautiful and worthwhile. I deserve to have everything I desire and it's about what I want! This is my eternal well-being at stake and you better believe I get a good say in whether or not I like him. I know I know. It's silly of me to finally say that all. But it finally clicked. I am worth something. So are you. So is your bestfriend. So is your mom, your dad, your cousin, and that random person you don't like to see on campus because they dress funny and pick their nose. We all have value and seeing that opens up millions of doors. 

So recognize your beauty. Recognize it's not about whether or not someone likes you, but whether or not you like them. What is best for you? Go find it. Today. And make it worth while. 

When it rains, it pours

But does that always have to be a bad thing? No it doesn't. Let me just relate a few of my thoughts to you today.

A little over 9 months ago I returned from serving a mission for the LDS church. It was the best experience of my life. Before serving my mission, I was involved in some pretty terrible things, but I, through the Lord's help and guidance, was able to turn my life around. I thought that life before my mission was hard.. I had it all wrong. Life is hard now. Harder than it ever has been. I have way less friends than I used to. I'm older than the average person at BYU-I. Some men think it's a turn off that I served a mission. I'm also kind of picky in many areas of my life in what  I want and feel I deserve. I've never been tempted harder with depression, anxiety, and lack of self-love than now. I feel that at times, my life is falling apart. This past week I had many eye opening experiences.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been really struggling. I don't like talking about the fact that I struggle with depression, but I do. I'm a perfectionist and I can't handle it when I make a mistake. I'm slowly beginning to realize that this attribute is terrible, and it causes me to forget the power of my Savior's death for me. Because of Him, I don't need to be perfect now, I just need to try my best. I tend to see life with the glass half empty. Some would say I'm a pessimist; I would say i'm a realist. Take it for what you want. Regardless of however you want to label me, I feel a sense of self-defeat when i'm less than perfect. As I've been severely struggling the last couple of weeks, I felt I should receive counsel from the Lord through a priesthood blessing. The church I belong to believes that we hold the priesthood, otherwise known as the power given to man to act in the name of God. I resisted and resisted the prompting I had to have a worthy male place his hands upon my head. One day, i had enough, and I knew I needed to receive the blessing. I called my co-worker up and asked if her husband would pronounce a blessing of comfort upon me. I won't go into detail of the words spoken in my blessing, but I will tell you that it admonished me to reflect upon my life and where it is going.

Last week, a friend that is dear to my heart came home from serving a mission for the LDS church as well. As we've hung out, I've noticed that I place expectations upon certain things in my life, and when they don't go as planned, I don't know how to handle it. This is my perfectionist side kicking in. I forget that the Lord has a far greater, eternal plan, that I can't always see. I forget to trust in him and him timing. Not only has my vision been completely wrong, my car broke down twice, I had to get it towed both times, and had to drop a thousand dollars on it to fix it that I DON'T have. My brother and his wife are also moving which has been hard on my family. A bunch of other little things have been going wrong everyday as well, and it got to the point where I thought I was going to burst. Why am I telling you all of this? I guess because I need to remind myself of something too. When life is pouring negativity on me in every direction, I don't need to let it bog me down. I need to enjoy the blessings in the trials.

So maybe things don't work out how I want to with every guy. Maybe I don't get married for a long time. Maybe I have no idea where my life is going.. but can't that be a blessing? Can't weeding out all the dumb guys be bringing me one step closer to my eternal companion? Why do I forget to see things in this light at times? So maybe I'm out a thousand dollars now, but maybe if I would have had my car working, I would have been in an accident or wouldn't have been able to spend as much time as I was able to with my family this weekend. Maybe the mechanic really needed the money. Or what about all the positive that is going on around me? How about the fact that someone sent me the longest email explaining to me that I, through my example since I've been home from the mission, have influenced him to attend church again. How about the fact that my family is healthy and I'm happy. How about the fact that not everything in life needs to be about me, but about how I can give of what I've been blessed with. I'm so blessed and I need to remember that more often. I need to forget myself. Forget the fact that I feel ugly at times. Forget that fact that I want to be perfect. Forget that fact that life isn't always filled with butterflies. I need to just say, I'm alive, i'm happy, and the Lord loves me. And because of that, tomorrow is brighter than today, and I can make it through.

And then it happens

Over the past few years, I've spent my life with walls up. Here. There. Sideways. You get the gist. Walls up like nobodies business. It's not a good way to live. But I've gotten by.

One of the worst feelings ever to me is 

V U L N E R A B I L I T Y 

vul·ner·a·ble 

adj.

   1.
            a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury
            b. Susceptible to attack
             

Okay, no one can tell me that those two things sound nice. Because they don't. But life isn't always nice. And life isn't fair. And sometimes, just sometimes, you've got to take a risk. Take the walls down. Let people in. Open up. Smile for once. A real smile. Let yourself be free. Because truly, letting walls down is freeing. And since being home, I've tried to free myself. I've tried to push old drama behind me. I've tried to not create new drama. I've tried to let go. In return, I feel vulnerable. But. I have to realize that this can be a beautiful emotion. One that shows that innocence can still live within me. One that shows that love can be real. One that shows that I can be me. One that shows that life is full of surprises and every day presents me with an opportunity to learn something new.

I don't need to be so hard. I don't need to be so sassy. I just need to be happy, and love.

What i'm trying to get at here, is, I need to be okay with putting everything on the line. I need to be okay with possibly getting hurt. Because it happens. I used to think it was better to not love again, than to get hurt again. But i'm changing my mind. I'm starting a new chapter. And i'm letting go. Join me. It might be fun. <3

This is life now

Wow. Where do I even begin? I've been home for 8 weeks tomorrow. 2 months. Where did the time go? I feel a load of emotions, especially today. A family from Parker, the last area I served in, came by today. It was amazing to see them. It brought back a flood of emotions.

It's really hard to be home. On my mission, I knew who I was, and what I needed to accomplish. When I got home, I lost that identity. With that comes emotions I have never experienced before. Who am I? What is my purpose now? Does anyone care anymore? A woman in my last area who had served a mission told me that the hardest thing for her when she went home was that she wasn't the "main attraction" anymore. She went from being THE candle, to a candle among many other candles. I thought she was ridiculous for saying that. But now, I get it. No one cares about Britny the way they cared for Sister Baker. And, I need to be okay with that.

It's a stupid thought to have, but while serving, I just felt that time stood still at home. But it didn't. Life is changed now. People are changed. Most importantly, I'm changed. It's bittersweet.

Before my mission, I ran wild. People see me as that still. Or do they? Maybe i'm the only one who sees me as that still at times. I'm trying to mix crazy "old Britny" with returned missionary Britny. It's a hard thing to balance.

I think life is beautiful. I've contemplated many times since being home why God allows things to happen, specifically to me. Really, that is the beauty of life. We get to experience things and become something. What a beautiful gift it is.

Overall, although life is hard, I love it. My dad gave me a priesthood blessing tonight and it strengthened me. The church is true. The priesthood is real. My life is good. It is oh so good. I don't need to care what anyone says of me. All I need to do is care what God sees in me, and how I can become that person.

August 26, 2013

Hey everyone :)

So, lets just start out with a quote by Neil L Anderson from his talk, Trial of your faith.

"With faith comes trials of faith bringing increased faith."

One of my favorite quotes ever and I feel like that describes Parker. THIS WEEK WAS AMAZING.

So as we all know, Parker has been rough. I mean even member after member will come up to us and say, "how are you doing? This area is so hard, are you discouraged?" Of course we are discouraged, but we try not to dwell on it. I have been praying so hard for focus, success, love, and the work to go forward here. I put my faith in the Lord when I got here and it's just been trial after trial! Well, this week my faith was finally strengthened from my trials.

So we have been really pushing member missionary work, and it's been kind of rough. Everyone has had to change their way of thinking because not a lot of members do missionary work here. So we were eating dinner at the Elders Quorum house and we asked them for referrals. They said that their neighbor across the street needed some love. So in our mission we have stopped the "tracting" approach and do "prayer" approach. We knock doors and offer blessings on homes as representative of Jesus Christ. We say it takes 5 minutes of their time and we won't stay any longer. Who doesn't have 5 minutes? EVERYONE does. So it's pretty effective. We then ask what they want blessed and if they know anyone who needs a blessing. Then we kneel together. After the prayer which we offer as Sisters by virtue of our calling, we ask how they feel. If they feel the spirit, they are open and we invite them to learn more. If they don't feel anything, we know it's not their time. So anyways, we knocked their door the next day and she answered. We offered a blessing on her home and she said she would love it but she would love for her husband to be there. She said to come back the next day. When we went back, her husband was running late from work and wasn't home. She invited us in and cried to us about how she wants to change. We testified to her and asked if we could come back the next day. So Saturday night we went back and her husband was there :) He was SO nice and invited us in. We had an AMAZING discussion with them and taught a first lesson. The spirit was so strong. We invited them to baptism and they said they wanted to pray about it. They are so excited to read the Book of Mormon and pray to know if it's true. They have an amazing desire to grow. It was so amazing!!!! I haven't had a lesson like that in so long. I left their house full of gratitude. But before we left we gave a blessing on the home. We asked what blessings they needed and I offered up the prayer. I felt the spirit so strong. I blessed that Trina would know who she was, a daughter of God, with divinity in her. I blessed that Michael would turn to the Lord in all things and as he did so, he would be able to help his wife. I was crying at the end of the prayer. As I opened my eyes, Michael was glowing. His countenance has changed. We have an appt with them tomorrow and I can't wait. :)

So that is 2 new investigators.

Then last night we went to see ------- I have talked about her a lot before. She is not a member, but all her family is(kids, husband). She comes weekly and even went to girls camp. She is so scared to take the lessons because she doesn't want to take them and feel it isn't true and disappoint everyone. Well a couple weeks ago I left her an invitation to prayerfully seek out taking the lessons(she has been asked my many missionaries and has yet to really take them as far as I know). Last night we had an appt. with her. We really studied hard before going over on how we could help her say yes. We got to her house and I said we were there to follow up on her prayer. She laughed and said she loved how honest I was...she paused and said, "I'll take them." Oh my GOSH! I about died. I didn't even have to try to convince her. Her husbands mouth dropped because she hadn't told him. Oh my gosh. It was amazing. We talked then about her fears, how she could really know it's true and just it was amazing. She was crying and I just know she will be baptized SOON. :) She is ready. What a miracle. We told some of the ward council and everyone is SO excited. This has been a long time coming. So excited I get to teach her. 

Another investigator. Three total this week!!! :) YAY! The Lord has truly blessed us for trying so hard to do all we can. It's amazing. I feel so blessed. I'm so excited I get to finish my mission this way.

WHat else this week? We had a relief society activity and ------- came :) She met some women in the ward which was great. Our relief society president is really reaching out to her. I also went to the Temple this week :) The new video is amazing and I loved it. It made me think a lot more and understand things more fully.

Also, one more cool story. It was pouring rain and a huge storm. We had 15 minutes in between appointments and I didn't want to waste the time. We prayed how we could fill our time. Sister Hauet said we should visit some less actives. I felt we should go see -------. We showed up and she let us in because it was pouring rain. We got to talk to her and her fiance and they are letting us come back :) She was so willing to have us back in her home. Hopefully we get to teach them, too.

So, that was my week. I feel just on top of the world right now. I'm so happy that success is finally coming. I'm finding a true love for so many people here in Parker.

I'm grateful for the church. I know I needed to come on a mission to overcome so much of my past and develop into who the Lord wants me to be. I'm grateful I'm changed. LOVE YOU ALL :)

-Sister Baker